Trying To Sort You Out
by J.J. Blue
Summary: Terazuma is trying to sort his relationship with Tsuzuki out at the end of the 'Kyoto Arc'.


**Title:** **"Trying To Sort You Out"**  
**Author:** J.J.  
**Warning:** It's **BASED ON THE MANGA** and it's placed just at the end of the **'Kyoto Hen'**, probably some OOC, unbetaed, some use of Japanese words (the Dictionary is at the bottom)...  
**Notes:** This work is based on the manga, more precisely on the **'Kyoto Hen'**. However the manga didn't say much about Terazuma's past or why his relationship with Tsuzuki, who normally has a great tollerance for insults, is so bad so I made most of it up. Only Matsushita Sensei knows the truth and I hope she will share it with us soon.  
**Warning over notes:** This fic has notes. You will find them at the bottom. Each time you see a number between brackets it means there's a note connected to the word/sentence that preceded it. However I suggest you to read the notes **_AFTER_** you finished the fic unless the word/sentence connected to the note is really troublesome for you to understand. Anyway the fic should be still understandable without the notes. Notes are merely extra explanations for who wants to know more.  
**Disclaimer:** **"Yami no Matsuei"** belong to Matsushita Yoko. I'm merely using her characters because I love them... especially Touda, Tsuzuki and Hisoka... - Ehy, Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensible heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews... so please be honest but nice ok?  
**Summary:** Terazuma is trying to sort his relationship with Tsuzuki out at the end of the **'Kyoto Arc'**.

* * *

**_"Did you ever think of me,  
As your best friend.  
Did I ever think of you,  
I'm not complaining. _**

... 

Did I ever think of you,  
As my enemy.  
Did you ever think of me,  
I'm complaining. 

I never tried to feel.  
I never tried to feel.  
This vibration.  
I never tried to reach.  
I never tried to reach.  
Your Eden."  
(Sarah Brightman - "Eden")

* * *

**Meifu - 1998**

He was staring at a place, which was the exact replica of Tokyo Diet Building. 

That idiot that Tsuzuki was had managed to demolish it again while he and Kannuki were on a mission in ChiJou and now no one knew where he was. He frowned as he lighted one of his cigarettes. Tsuzuki had a penchant for getting himself in troubles, he always had. Not that he cared about the idiot anyway. He wasn't as sentimental as Kannuki who had spent the whole day doing nothing but worrying. It was a good thing that Tatsumi-san wasn't around or she wouldn't have gotten away with that foolish and unproductive behaviour. Not that he was working but with the place in that disarray who could?(1) 

He sighed as he replayed in his mind the information he had. An intruder had gotten into Enma-Cho. Tsuzuki's Shiki had blown up a half of the place. Tsuzuki, Kurosaki, Tatsumi-san and Watari were missing, probably busy tracking down said intruder. 

All in all there weren't much info. 

He had no idea what Kannuki saw in them that made her panic over Tsuzuki's conditions. Okay, so he was hunting someone who had been able to sneak in JuOhCho but still... He groaned. Much to his annoyance Kannuki always had a weak side for Tsuzuki. When they had met the first time he had believed she was his girlfriend. When he had met them... He remember it as if it had happened only yesterday and instead it was around fifteen years ago...(2) 

* * *

He was staring at a place, which was the exact replica of Tokyo diet building. 

That day was his first day of work. 

He had already met Konoe Kacho and his secretary and hadn't been impressed. After all he already worked for Hiroshima Prefecture Police and, compared to it, Shokan-ka looked almost like a quiet, ordinary office. Oh well, you can't expect danger and life threatening situations when you're already dead. 

He lightened a cigarette and entered in the palace. It was fun how, even in dead, he still depended by those small cylinders. 

He wandered for the place cursing how no one bothered to tell him where the Shokan-ka office exactly was. He should have asked, of course, but he was still a bit dazed from finding himself alive after having been dead... Well, alive wasn't the right word but still... 

He could try asking to the various busy-looking people that wandered for the place but he didn't want to look like a rookie who just lost his way to his office. 

After walking through various corridors without result Terazuma paused and tapped with his foot nervously. If he didn't find the damn office soon he was going to be late. Maybe he really should ask to someone for directions yet every person he met had that _'Don't bother me, I'm busy'_ expression printed in capital letter on his face. Had he been still alive he wouldn't have cared but, right then, he didn't want to get in trouble his first day. 

Oh well, who cared? 

He about to barge in the first office and ask to the first worked he was going to find when a way to cheerful voice greeting warmly and loudly someone else persuaded him to turn. From a door were exiting two men and a young girl. The men where both wearing a suit and a black coat while the girl had a school uniform. 

Visitors maybe? 

And yet they seemed so comfortable in the place their behaviour suggested they came there often. 

The one with the cheerful voice was continuing his discussion as they walked in his direction. 

"... Anyway SoRyu is just being stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. I don't see why he keeps worrying about it. It's not like Touda would ever try to kill me! And worst is Suzaku-neesan is supporting him! My own Shikigami are plotting behind my back!" 

The girl giggled and the other man chuckled. 

Terazuma frowned. Shikigami? He had heard about them. So maybe those weren't mere visitors? 

"Excuse me," he called. The tree turned to look at him. He observed them taking note of their features. The girl was pretty but too young for his standard. She should have been around eighteen, with soft brown curly hair laced with coloured ribbons and odd mismatched eyes, one brown and the other clearer and yes, it looked definitely orange. Weird. The one with the cheerful voice was around his age, maybe a bit younger but not by much. Brown hair was falling inordinately over his forehead partially covering eyes of an impossible purple colour. The absolute inhumanity of his eyes colour was softened by a warm smile that capable to make feel comfortable everyone who happened to look at him. The third was a man in his thirties probably, with raven short hair and a too long fringe that contributed, with his glasses, to hide his too sharp eyes. Terazuma could feel that even as the man smiled at him he was studying him coldly, like a bug under a microscope. He remembered that in Meifu the look didn't really respect the age of a being and decided that that guy should have been much more older than he looked, should have seen so many things that... 

"What can we do for you?" the cheerful one asked in a friendly manner. 

"I'm searching for the Shokan-ka office," he said succinctly. 

"Oh well, it's really simple..." the cheerful one started with the look of one who's about to begin a long and complicate explanation. The girl giggled. 

"You shouldn't ask Tsuzuki-chan for directions," she warned him.(3) 

"Wakaba-chan!" the man protested in an almost pitiful whine "I know were our office is!" The older one placed a hand on the man's shoulder. 

"Come on Asato-kun, don't take it bad. We love you even if you can't find your way to your home!" 

"Natsume-sempai!"(4) the other complained as the girl tried desperately to stifle more giggles and failed. "Everyone is so mean with me!" 

He didn't seem truly offended however as his two companions laughed. Terazuma groaned. They were wasting his time. The one who had been called Tsuzuki Asato turned toward him. 

"Come on, ignore those two very mean individuals and follow me. I'll take you to our office!" 

The girl he had called Wakaba wrapped her arms around Tsuzuki's right one in a very familiar manner. Was she his girlfriend maybe? 

"Come on Tsuzuki-chan don't take it bad. We know you can do it!" she said smiling at him affectionately. The one called Natsume ruffled Tsuzuki's hair affectionately as he would do with a child. 

"Sure, Asato-kun, sure." Then he turned toward Terazuma. "By the way why do you want to go to the Shokan-ka, boy?" he asked in a casual tone but Terazuma could almost hear the wheels turning in the man's brain. He didn't like much to be called _'boy'_. He was past that age by quite a long time. 

"I'm a new employ," he admitted reluctantly. If those people worked there they would find out anyway. Tsuzuki's smile widened, Wakaba's one became friendlier and Natsume's more relaxed. 

"You must be the rookie Konoe was talking about," the man commented looking him up and down openly. 

"Welcome aboard! I'm Tsuzuki Asato, the second sector's worker!" Tsuzuki said offering him his hand to shake. 

"Terazuma Hajime," he replied shaking the offered hand. 

"I'm Kannuki Wakaba. I work in the forth sector!" Her hand was small and soft in his. It was difficult to picture that young, frail looking girl taking a life, yet she should be able to do so. She was a Shinigami after all. 

"Natsume Souseki, fifth sector." This one looked definitely capable to take a life, and without even dirtying his hands. "Oh, and don't worry about being late. Seiichiro-kun barks a lot but he doesn't bite!" 

"That's not nice Natsume-sempai!" 

"Silliness, Asato-kun. I'm here by I don't even remember how much and if I've to leave a damn rookie ordering me around only because he believes he's a secretary..." 

"But Tatsumi isn't a rookie! He's here by more than thirty years! You're picking on him merely because you can't get along with his sensei!"(5) 

"Kageshi aren't right in their head, Asato-kun. They believe in complete and total control of emotions. If we were like they say we should be, we could as well be rocks!" 

"Tatsumi is not like that!" 

"I'm not like what, Tsuzuki-san?" They all turned to stare to another man in an expensive brown suit, who was glaring at them from behind his eyeglasses. Tatsumi Seiichiro-san the section's secretary. Tsuzuki became nervous and so Kannuki. Natsume smiled angelically but in truth he looked pretty amused. Terazuma groaned. Caught late his first day of work. "I'd like to inform you all that you're all ten minutes late. You're paid to work not to chat. Natsume-san you're the senior employ. You should give the good example. Besides I haven't seen yet your report about your last mission." 

"Seiichiro-kun with such a workaholic like you, coming at the office in time it's a waste of said time. As for my report why don't you ask to my partner? You know I'm against doing paperwork." Tatsumi-san's gaze turned really scary. Natsume seemed unaffected by it. Terazuma noticed people from other offices were spying at the exchange in curiosity. 

"Natsume-san, your partner asked to be transferred because you never do your share of paperwork," Tatsumi-san hissed. "He asked it three days ago and I'm waiting your report by then." 

"I'm without a partner again? Then you can partner me back with Asato-kun!" the man exclaimed cheerfully, than turned to Tsuzuki and took his hands in his. "Asato-kun would you like to be my new bride? Partner I mean!" Everyone fought to suppress their laughs as Tsuzuki throw his arms around the man's neck and said in the _'dreamy girlfriend'_ voice he was starting to think he would have never asked. 

"**NATSUME-SAN!**" Tatsumi-san exploded causing everyone else to hide. He didn't impress Natsume however who turned to look at him challengingly. "You're being a bad influence to Tsuzuki-san again," the secretary continued more calmly "If you keep this up he'll be never partnered with you again," he stated. Tsuzuki's gaze turned sad. Something in Tatsumi-san's expression softened. "However Tsuzuki-san, since you're also without a partner again, you'll be given a new partner. I see you've already met him. Terazuma-san, this is Tsuzuki-san, your partner. He's one of our older and more expert members. I hope he'll show it," Tatsumi added in a warning tone. Tsuzuki gave him a guilty look. Natsume placed a hand on his shoulder in attempt to comfort him. "You'll do better to get back in the office now," Tatsumi stated turning and walking away. He paused in mid step and turned "Ah, Kannuki-san, your partner was searching for you," he informed her, before leaving. 

"Now I'm in trouble," Kannuki commented, "I'll better hurry. Natsume-sempai, Tsuzuki-chan, I'll see you later. It was a pleasure to meet you... Hajime-chan," she added than winked at him before running away. He stared at her retreating form, frozen on the spot. 

"Terazuma... the ash," Tsuzuki warned him. 

"The what?" The ash falling from his cigarette right on his fingers made him realize to what Tsuzuki was referring. He waved his hand trying to cool it down and than stuck the burned fingers in his mouth. Tsuzuki smiled. 

"I'm sorry for the mess you got involved him. Tatsumi is usually nicer than that. As for Natsume-sempai... no he's exactly like that every day!" he commented smiling up at the man. 

"Who's being mean now, Asato-kun?" the other replied grinning back. "I'll let you get acquitted with your new partner. We'll see later in the office. Bye... Hajime-chan!" 

Terazuma groaned. He just hated being called that. Tsuzuki waved goodbye to the man enthusiastically than turned toward him. 

"Well... welcome again in the Shokan-ka Terazuma. Would you like me to show you around?" 

* * *

And so their partnership had started. Everything had gone well... in the beginning. If he was particularly honest with himself he had to admit he had undervalued Tsuzuki right then and he hadn't understood him at all. He hadn't realized that, despite the easygoing appearance, the man was powerful, one of the most powerful Shinigami of all Enma-Cho. He had understood it only after their forth case, when Tsuzuki had got him out from a nasty problem, and had destroyed a couple of buildings in the same time. He had looked at him with a new admiration after it. Tsuzuki instead had seemed uneasy and had looked at him as if he expected him to leave. 

Then someone had suggested that he should go in GenSoKai to search for a Shiki. He had refused. He didn't believe in the strength Shiki could give. He had expected Tsuzuki to criticize him, after all the man had twelve Shiki and literally adored them, but Tsuzuki had merely said that if that was what Terazuma wanted he would support him. That was what partners were for, wasn't it? 

Partners... 

He threw his cigarette on the ground and stepped on it. He should find a quiet corner and start writing the report. He just knew that Kannuki, in the state she was in, won't manage to do it. Instead he picked out another cigarette and lighted it. Kannuki was a strong girl but she had her own weakness. Namely a motherly instinct toward Tsuzuki. To think Tsuzuki could have been her partner in his place... 

* * *

Back then he had thought Tsuzuki, like him, wished for something more than a work in the second sector. He had thought that he had remained in the second sector only due to bad luck or something similar. He'd been wrong. Tsuzuki turned down his chance to be moved to a better sector, the forth one, and made instead Terazuma's name for it. 

Terazuma didn't understand why and took the thing the wrong way. First he believed who had an amazing power like Tsuzuki should use it and not hid in second sector, second he had the suspicion Tsuzuki did it not to give him a chance toward a better work but merely to get rid of him. 

He had no idea why he though so but he just couldn't get rid of that suspicion. 

They had an argument but, even if their relationship became tense it was nothing they couldn't recover in the long run or so he believed. 

He had no idea his troubles had just started. 

Technically forth sector had already two Shinigami, one of whom was Kannuki while the other was a senior member of Enma-cho. This guy was planning retirement and so he needed to be replaced but before... he wanted to know who was going to substitute him. 

Differently by Tsuzuki this man was a firm believer of the fact Terazuma won't make it without a Shiki and so... so he managed to drag him in GenSoKai and to force him to bond with his Shiki. 

* * *

Terazuma still hated the man for what he had done to him, for forcing him to share his body with a Shikigami. From that moment everything had gone downhill in his relationship with Tsuzuki who instead couldn't help but being proud of his Shiki. 

Odd how they always ended up involving their Shiki in their battles he mused as he walked through Enma-cho's corridors. He hadn't expected to be pushed out of the way by the men's of Hoken-ka who were carrying and barely conscious Kurosaki and a totally unconscious Tsuzuki, Tatsumi-san and Watari running after them.(6) 

Kurosaki's eyes were still open but he looked mostly out of it. He had some nasty burns but it was nothing a Shinigami couldn't handle or so Terazuma thought. 

Tsuzuki... he wasn't even sure if the man was breathing. He wouldn't have bet on it. 

Terazuma stood there, frozen on the spot, as the two were carried away. 

It didn't make sense. It just wasn't possible for Tsuzuki to be injured so badly. 

The man had always showed impressive life energy. He was in the division by... by too long for him to remember. No, that didn't make sense. 

He walked toward where the group had headed planning to get some explanation. 

* * *

No one seemed in shape to give him some explanations. Kannuki somehow had been informed her Tsuzuki-chan had gotten hurt and was crying desperately. Watari was trying to cheer her up. He stood by her knowing better than to try to touch her unless he didn't plan to have KaGan KoKuShunGei finishing the mess Tsuzuki's Shiki had started. He wasn't the type who would go and try to cheer up a girl anyway even if Kannuki looked really desperate and... 

Konoe Kacho joined them and then dragged away Tatsumi-san in order to have some explanation from him. It was the first time Terazuma saw Tatsumi-san so distressed. Normally the man was always so impassible and instead here he was trembling like a leaf and unable to stay still for a second. Shock. He had seen it previously during his mortal life. 

Odd. 

No one seemed to believe Tsuzuki was going to survive. Instead it was an option he wasn't even considering. Tsuzuki had always been in the Shokan-ka and... 

_'Natsume had always been here too and he died not much after you joined. Even KaGan's previous master had always been here and he left. Do you really think that Tsuzuki can not die merely because he's here by more than anyone else?'_

He shook his head chasing that thought again. He had no idea from where it had born. The idiot wasn't going to die. It was as simple as that. 

One of the doctors showed up on the door behind which Tsuzuki and Kurosaki were. 

"Kurosaki-san is out of danger. He announced. We're moving him. Please let him pass," he said. Almost immediately Kurosaki was dragged out. He was unconscious and wore some bandages but he looked better. 

"What about Tsuzuki-chan?" Kannuki asked voicing everyone's question. The doctor looked unsure. 

"We... we're still treating him," he replied without looking at her in the eyes. 

"But he'll be fine, won't he?" Watari insisted. 

"I... I need to go, I'm sorry," the man stammered returning in the room and closing the door behind him ignoring the complains from the people assembled out of the room. By then they were quite a bunch. Everyone in the place knew one way or another Tsuzuki. There was even people who worked for other Cho. It was a big, noisy crowd. 

Terazuma learned against a wall and lighted a cigarette. His last one. Damn how could he have smoked so much? He had brought two packets before entering in Enma-cho and... He stared at the smoke raising itself in soft spirals remembering. 

* * *

"Eh? No, thank you, I don't smoke anymore," the man said with the cheerful smile he had become familiar with.(7) 

"So how did you stop smoking Tsuzuki? I've heard it require strong wills," he had teased. 

They were on ChiJou. They had just solved a case. A messy one. They should be returning to Meifu instead there they were still on ChiJou, under a tree, watching as the rain fell on the ground. Tsuzuki had a fascination for watching the rain or so it seemed. 

"It was long ago, before my dead and, back then, I didn't smoke much. No money enough." He shrugged as if dismissing the whole thing. Tsuzuki tended to behave as if his life hadn't been important, hadn't been something to talk about. 

"Do you miss it?" he had asked. 

"What?" 

"Your mortal life." For once Tsuzuki didn't look like the happy go lucky he was used to deal with. His gaze was serious, longing and... pained. Tremendously pained. 

"Everyday. Never. It's complicate. Do you miss yours?" It was Terazuma's turn to shrug. 

"I suppose I miss some things. I liked to work in Hiroshima police but it's something I can cope with." Tsuzuki smiled. 

"I'm glad for you. We'll better return on Meifu. Tatsumi will yell at us if we don't and Tatsumi is scary when he yells!" he commented back in his cheerful mood. 

"Fine by me." They were about to go when he had asked Tsuzuki something else "Why do you like watching the rain so much?" Tsuzuki had paused but he hadn't turned toward him. Terazuma could still see his profile as he had looked up at the grey clouds a bitter smile on his lips. 

"Sometimes I hope it could really wash away everything... Every crime, every sin, every pain, every tear, every track of blood, everything... Wash away even me..."(8) 

* * *

It was night when a doctor exited again from the room in which they were taking care of Tsuzuki. Much of the people who had been in front of it had been chased away or forced to leave by personal matter. Kannuki was now sitting on a chair, sniffling occasionally. She had stopped crying, probably mostly because she had finished her tears. Watari was sitting near to her, trying to cheer her up. He was failing miserably. He was also complaining about how they hadn't allowed him to get inside the room. Terazuma couldn't blame the doctors of the Hoken-ka. Watari was a substitute doctor who knew enough to deal with base injuries but, considering the time doctors were spending on Tsuzuki, the one he reported should have been all but base. Tatsumi-san was still walking in circles trying to make a hole in the floor. Konoe Kacho dropped by periodically, almost each quarter of hour. He ran there, ask if there were any news, received negative answer and walked away slowly. In Terazuma's opinion it would have been easier if he stayed there. 

He wondered how he could manage to be so... detached. 

Thanks to training probably. He entered in the police at twenty-two. Lots of his workmates had ended in a hospital. He had as well. 

Sometimes, back then, he had the impression to do nothing but wait for a friend out of some hospital room. 

That and the fact he didn't care much for that idiot of Tsuzuki. That lazy man who never wanted to do paperwork... the same lazy man who had raced after him and KaGan's master in hope to stop him and, when he had realized he had been too late, he had brought him out of GenSoKai after the contract that had bonded him to the Shikigami had been done. He remembered the binding. He remembered the pain that came with it. He didn't remember much else only Tsuzuki shaking him and telling him he would get him out of there and that he would get better. He didn't. The pain faded but the contract... was unbreakable. He was a freak by then, forever condemned to carry the signs of his binding with a Shikigami.(9) He had hated the world right then but the world wasn't around him. Tsuzuki was and it had been easy to vent his anger on him. Tsuzuki had let him. He had stood there listening him as he yelled at him, even when he had no real fault in the whole thing a guilty look on his face. It had irritated him even more but, by then, everything would have irritated him. 

It hadn't been Tsuzuki's fault and he knew it. He had lashed out at him out of frustration, out of anger, out of jealousy. Tsuzuki was bonded to twelve Shiki. Both sides had done it willingly. He carried no visible sign of it. The same couldn't be said for him. 

For a while he refused to look himself in the mirror. 

For a while he was a complete jerk with everyone, Kannuki included. He hated to be pitied by her. 

Then he and Tsuzuki had their first **ARGUMENT** written with all the capitol letters. Tsuzuki before had never reacted when he lashed out at him. That day he insulted his Shiki and Tsuzuki... Tsuzuki lost it and punched him. The next he remembered was flying against the nearby wall and loosing conscience for a bunch of seconds.(10) When he opened his eyes again his head stung like crazy and Natsume was dragging Tsuzuki away, holding him back from him. Tsuzuki was yelling something on the line that Terazuma could say whatever he wanted against him but he had no right to insult his Shiki but Terazuma really didn't mind. 

Somehow that punch had calmed the rage that had been burning inside him. Things had been better after it even if he and Tsuzuki never made up. On the contrary, their discussions increased and degenerated to the point they couldn't stand to each other. He had told many times he wished to be free of him but he had never meant it literally... 

* * *

The door opened again. They all circled the doctor that emerged from it. 

"We've done all we could," the man commented. 

"But Tsuzuki? Will he be fine?" Watari asked. 

"We think so but to be sure we'll keep him here under observation. Everything will depend by how he will react to the treatment. He had good chances to survive now but..." 

Everyone's gaze lowered. 

"We understand, sensei. Thank you for your work," Tatsumi-san said but in his usual cold voice there was a trembling note. He turned toward them. "Everyone will do better to go home now. I'll report this to Kacho." 

Everyone obeyed. No one felt himself up enough to discuss Tatsumi-san's orders. 

* * *

He didn't know what possessed him to be there, right in front that room's door early each morning. He surely wasn't going to knock at it to ask how Tsuzuki was. 

However he couldn't come later. Tatsumi-san had banned visitors from that place saying that the noise they did bothered the still recovering Tsuzuki. No one had still been allowed to visit him, not even Tatsumi-san. 

That day however one of the doctor of the Hoken-ka noticed him in front of the door as he passed by. 

"Terazuma-kun, isn't that you?" he asked. Terazuma knew the man. He was another _'institution'_ of the place.(11) He had also been the one who took care of him as he was taken back from GenSoKai. He greeted the man wondering if he could get information without looking as if he was searching for them. It should have been his lucky day. 

"If you're searching for Asato-kun he's not here," the man said and there was a soft note in his voice as he mentioned Tsuzuki. The doctor had know him by long time and was probably attached to him "He's better now so we transferred him to Enma-cho's infirmary. The thought a familiar place would help him more." 

"So the idiot is better?" he asked trying to sound like he didn't give a damn. 

"As better as he could be considered the circumstances," the other replied. Terazuma tried to figure out what the man was meaning and failed. "However he'll be perfectly healed soon. As if this had never happened. Not even a scratch will remain on his skin." The doctor knew that Tsuzuki's psyche was another matter but it wasn't something he was going to discuss with Terazuma. "It's fun to see you here. It remind me of the time I saw Tsuzuki standing out of your door when you were..." the doctor trailed off. He knew Terazuma didn't like to remember that. 

"The fool stood out of my door?" That Terazuma didn't know. 

"All the days until you were again in the _'living world'_, so to speak. Tatsumi-kun tried to chase him away but failed miserably. He was feeling responsible for what had happened to you." Terazuma shrugged feeling uneasily. 

"It wasn't his fault," he muttered. 

"I'm glad you think so now. At the time you said to him something quite different. Natsume had all his sort of troubles trying to cheer him up. Not mentioning the mess that come out because he had beaten your Shiki's ex-master." 

"He'd done what?" he asked unconsciously letting slip his cigarette from his fingers. 

"He'd beaten him up good. He said he had no right to force you into being what he wanted you to be." 

_'Tsuzuki! Who has power must use it! You can't keep working in Kyushu wasting it!'_(12) 

Terazuma lowered his head. The same couldn't be said for him. He hadn't respected Tsuzuki's choice about what he should do with his power. He had blamed him about it countless times. The doctor placed a hand on Terazuma's shoulder. 

"Remember to go visit him. It'll cheer him up," he told him. He stuck his hands in his pockets. 

"I doubt it. After it we never get along well," he admitted. 

"Silliness," the doctor replied. "Asato-kun isn't the type who would hold something against you. And right now he'll need all the support he can get. He's just gotten out from a bad mess." The doctor's gaze was in between sadness and worry. Terazuma wondered if the man could be right. 

* * *

Short later he was out Enma-cho's infirmary listening as Kannuki pretended she had been just informed that Tsuzuki had been injured. He knew she would never let him know she had been crying worrying for him right from day one. Tsuzuki didn't like to make people worry. He won't be happy to hear she didn't care either so she came up with the _'I just found out'_ explanation. That girl was fussing over him as if she had been his mother. Tsuzuki sounded his usual cheerful, happy self. However his voice was a little lower and slower than usual. Terazuma wondered if the man too was faking to be happy. Even the cheer he gave for the cake Kannuki carried for him sounded weaker than usual. Was that what the doctor meant when he said he needed support? Was Tsuzuki going into one of those post operation depression crisis? 

Kurosaki sounded his usual calm self. The boy had recovered way faster than Tsuzuki. Terazuma had the impression they had kept him in the infirmary merely to keep company to Tsuzuki. 

He jumped when he heard Kannuki calling him. He hadn't planned to enter. Oh well, he had planned to enter but not right then. He meant... 

"Come in here already, Hajime-chan!" Kannuki insisted. He walked in, reluctantly, cigarette still hanging on his lips 

"... Yo..." he muttered as greeting. Tsuzuki blinked as he looked at him. 

"Terazuma...? Hey, how strange. Is it snowing outside...?" he asked surprised to see him here. Terazuma knew Tsuzuki didn't expected him to care. He also knew he wouldn't have hold it against him. And yes, Kannuki had reasons to fuss over him. That man in the bed wasn't the usual over-cheerful Tsuzuki he was familiar with. He had an hint of childishness, a note of weakness and a shade of tiredness. The happy mood was forced no doubt about it. 

"Hajime-chan was pacing outside like a worried daddy... He's really worried about you. But he's so shy." Kannuki commented trying to bring up the mood. 

"**W-W-W-W-W-WHY YOU! WHA...WHAT KIND OF RUBBISH ARE YOU SAYING!**" he stammered embarrassed. He wasn't used at worrying openly for others. Especially Tsuzuki. 

"It's good that the injury wasn't too bad," Kannuki continued cheerfully. 

"Yeah. Sorry for worrying you..." Tsuzuki had to comment. Why had he to be like that, treating the matter as if it had been his fault he had been injured? 

"It would have been better if you finally kicked the bucket for good," he muttered. He hadn't meant it; really, he just wasn't used to try to get along with Tsuzuki. 

"**HAJIME-CHAN!**" Kannuki exclaimed before hitting him. Hard. Never undervalue a girl's strength. 

After that chaos exploded. GuShoShin came to bring a book for Kurosaki. Fukiya and Torii came to bring him a dress. Kurosaki escaped. HakuShaku arrived to molest Tsuzuki. Tatsumi-san appeared out of nowhere to kick him out. Before the situation degenerated Kannuki had the good sense to understand it was better to leave. 

"We...Well, Tsuzuki-san, this is where I go... Before I get mixed up in this," she told Tsuzuki. 

"Un. Later. I want to escape too..." Tsuzuki replied with a forced smile. He sounded weak. Depressed. However there wasn't much he could go. He should follow Kannuki but he hesitated a moment before leaving. 

"... Hey, Tsuzuki! You can't keep cutting work!" Tsuzuki looked at him surprised "It's worse than being a useless lantern at noon," he stated before almost escaping from the room. He would have kicked himself. Surely that hadn't been encouraging. He'd never been good at that.(13) 

"Ne, Hajime-chan..." 

"What do you want Kannuki?" He felt in a bad, embarrassed mood tight then. 

"Thanks for coming to visit Tsuzuki-chan. I'm sure it meant a lot to him," she told him with a nice smile. He stared at her. Did she really think so? Had he been of some help? He shrugged. 

"Yeah, sure, sure, now let's go back to work before Tatsumi-san notices us still here." 

Maybe he had. Behind that _'happy go lucky'_ façade Tsuzuki had a sharp mind, he knew that. He should have understood his message. 

* * *

Once alone Tsuzuki felt confuse. He mulled over Terazuma's last sentence. It had been unexpected but... He smiled, his first honest smile after the Kyoto incident. 

"Just like him to say that..." he commented as he felt a part of the huge weight on him being lifted. Maybe he was a monster and a murder that didn't deserve to live and surely didn't want to live but he still had friends around him and he had been about to leave them. He'd been an egoist. He should really take better care of them. 

* * *

_'I'm not going back! I... don't want to be... alone... I decided a long time ago... that my place to return to is here... By your side only...'_(14) 

* * *

He smiled at the memory. So just for them, to not let them alone he would try to live. If they needed him there... As long as they needed him there...

* * *

**_"And it's been a while  
Since I could hold my head up high  
And it's been a while  
Since I said I'm sorry."  
(Staind - "It's Been A While")_**

* * *

**JJ's Notes:**

1. I'm assuming no one said around what exactly had happened when Muraki went in Meifu. Wakaba seems pretty clueless when she goes to visit Tsuzuki...

2. I made up almost entirely Tsuzuki and Terazuma's past. The only thing we know for sure about Terazuma is that when he was alive he was a detective for Hiroshima Prefecture Police that Enma-cho wins the Kyudo competition thanks to him by 1983 and that the previous 4th sector worked forced him to become the master of KaGan KoKuShunGei and Wakaba couldn't stop this. His partnership with Tsuzuki, why it was broken and how things were between them are entirely my creation.

3. It's a well-known fact that Tsuzuki has no sense of direction.

4. In **'Yami no Matsuei Character Sketchbook'** there's a page with pictures of a certain Natsume-san. My poor Japanese knowledge only allowed me to understand this guy was Tsuzuki's caretaker (no idea if he was his mentor when Tsuzuki was alive or when he was a Shinigami and I'm not even sure if I understood this right). Anyway I decided to use this name for Tsuzuki's first partner. I made him up his relationship with Tsuzuki and his character. His physical description is based on the sketches Matsushita-sensei made. His name is not said. However there is a writer named **'Natsume Souseki'** to whom I think this character is inspired... so I used his given name. He died before Tsuzuki by the way. I've no idea at which sector Matsushita-sensei planned to assign him. I gave him the second when he was partnered with Tsuzuki and the fifth after their partnership was broken (by the time Terazuma had joined Enma-cho his partnership with Tsuzuki had been broken by quite a long time...). Fifth Sector is the one that includes Tokyo by the way. Like Tsuzuki he also changed many partners. Oh, and yes, Tsuzuki took the bad habit to neglect paperwork from him.

5. Tatsumi became a Shinigami around 1948. I tend to use as date for his death 1945. He was trained as Kageshi after his death. I'm assuming his Sensei and Natsume didn't get along because they support two different fighting systems (Natsume has Shikigami while Tatsumi's Sensei uses shadows to fight). Somehow their argument extended to everyone who shared their ideas... Beside Natsume is quite old compared to Tatsumi and therefore find disrespectful to have Tatsumi trying to order him around even if Tatsumi is Konoe's secretary.

6. I've no idea if there's a Hoken-ka in JuOhCho. I supposed so. They take care of the serious medical cases, of medicine experimentations and so on... I catch this chance to remember that only Shokan-ka workers are nicknamed Shinigami. All the other Meifu residents are not.

7. Again I've no idea if Tsuzuki smoke when he was alive... it's another thing I made up. I like to picture the living Tsuzuki a bit different from the Shinigami one.

8. The idea Tsuzuki had a fascination from the rain came from the scene in Vol. 1 in which he's waiting for Hisoka under the rain.

9. Terazuma Hajime has pointy ears, marks on his face right under his eyes, which are slitted due to the fact he was forced to became the master of a parasite Shikigami by the previous 4th sector worker. Before he was perfectly normal looking.

10. In Vol. 3 Tsuzuki punched a bulletproof glass and managed to break it. Really, it's better not to be punched by Tsuzuki...

11. In YnM Tsuzuki is the older Shokan-ka worker after Konoe. However I supposed in other divisions there can be workers older than him. That doctor is one of them. I made him up of course. He was a friend with Natsume and knows Tsuzuki well. He also knows Tsuzuki's medical records and his past of insanity.

12. Kyushu is considered in YnM a quiet zone, not the place that might need a Shinigami with powers like Tsuzuki's.

13. The whole dialogue came from Vol. 8. It wasn't used in the anime.

14. This quote also came from Vol. 8, it was said by Hisoka while he was hugging Tsuzuki in Shion DaiGaku and yes it's different from what he said in the anime. 

**Extra notes:**  
While reading YnM I noticed than the relationship between Tsuzuki and Terazuma changes after he had been injured in the **'Kyoto Arc'**. Also in the **'Masquerade'** part Tsuzuki and Terazuma are partnered together to search for HakuShaku's mask and they get along just fine. So I've been wondering how their relationship had ended up being so bad before the **'Kyoto Arc'**. Terazuma seems to dislike his condition as Shikigami's owner. Tsuzuki, who normally has a great tolerance for every sort of insult, as twelve Shiki and he's very proud of them. I supposed the argument that set the downfall of their relationship had been above the Shiki.  
For who's wondering... yes Terazuma was right, Tsuzuki wanted to break their partnership. The reason was he was afraid that, after seeing his power, Terazuma would have started to be scared of him so he preferred to keep him at distance. Silly but that's Tsuzuki for you. He rarely behaves as the powerful Shinigami he is and even more rarely he allows people to see his true self.  
Yes, in the end Tsuzuki chooses to live because he thinks it's his duty and not because he wants to. That's the impression I got from the manga. He never said that he's glad he had survived only that he had been an egoist in trying to kill himself. Of course you're free to think differently.  
Last note about names and name endings...  
It's considered more polite to call a person by surname and not by name.  
_'-san'_ is the normal respectful name ending you use. Normally you use it with adults, but if you're really polite you can use it with everyone. (In **'Tokyo Babylon'** Subaru's grandmother uses _'-san'_ with both Subaru and Hokuto when they're merely sixteen)  
_'-kun'_ is normally a polite name ending used for young people or for people younger than you. Classmates might use it to talk to each others. Old people might use it to talk with someone younger who isn't a teenager anymore.  
_'-chan'_ is the cute affectionate name ending. You use it with kids or with people with whom you've an affectionate relationship and often with girls (in **'Sailormoon'** all the Sailors use it to call each other and Usagi uses it as well with her boyfriend).  
To not add the name ending implies a certain familiarity.  
Why I'm saying so?  
Because this fic was hell to write due to them.  
Terazuma normally calls everyone only for their surname without name ending. I assumed he used _'-san'_ for Tatsumi (in the manga isn't said) merely because Tatsumi is somehow in a higher position.  
Natsume is technically the older in the division. Even if Tsuzuki and Tatsumi are past their teenagers years he still used the _'-kun'_ with them due to this. Oh and he calls Tsuzuki by name just due to affecting and Tatsumi by name just to irritate him. He also called Terazuma _'Hajime-chan'_ a bit to make fun of him because Wakaba did so and a bit because Terazuma is very young compared to him...  
Tatsumi always uses _'-san'_ except than with Hisoka for whom he uses _'-kun'_.  
Wakaba in the manga alternates _'-san'_ and _'-chan'_ to talk with Tsuzuki. I figured she uses _'-chan'_ in her _'affectionate'_ mode and _'-san'_ in her normal one. She also always calls Terazuma _'Hajime-chan'_. Here I supposed she did so the first time to tease him because he was a rookie. Later she likely did so because he was her partner and there was a certain confidence between them.  
The Hoken-ka doctor was friend with Natsume and that's why he doesn't use the name ending for him. He knew also Tsuzuki very well and that's why he uses _'Asato-kun'_. He didn't know Terazuma as well and that's why he uses _'Terazuma-kun'_.  
I hope everything is clear...  
For who previously read my fic **'Ordering The Closet'**... yes, the picture of Terazuma and Tsuzuki mentioned in that fic had been taken during their partnership. 

**Dictionary:**  
**-chan:** Name ending used to express affection and/or familiarity or to talk with a child  
**-kun:** Young  
**-san:** "Mr." or "Mrs."  
**ChiJou:** Land of the Living  
**Cho:** Office  
**DaiGaku:** University  
**Enma:** "Demon of Darkness". Ruler of the Land of Dead  
**Enma-Cho:** "Office Enma". In the 5th district of JuOhCho. It's ruled by Enma himself and controls only Tokyo's territory. It hosts the Shokan-ka  
**GenSoKai:** "Illusory world". It's where Shikigami reside and it's a mirror copy of ChiJou located in JuOhCho network  
**GuShoShin:** "Twin Living Gods" or "Twin Gods of Life". Enma-Cho's chicken-like librarians  
**HakuShaku:** "Earl". Master of the Rousoku no Yakata, he controls humans' life span  
**Hoken-ka:** Health Preservation Division  
**JuOhCho:** "Ten Kings Office". Meifu's bureaucratic organization ruled by Enma. It's in charge of judging the deceased in Japan  
**Kacho:** "Section Chief". Konoe's title  
**Kageshi:** Shadow User  
**Neesan:** "Sister" or "Older Girl"  
**Meifu:** Land of the Dead  
**Rousoku no Yakata:** "Castle of Candles". Where the candles representing human lives are held  
**Sempai:** "Older Workmate" or "Older Classmate"  
**Sensei:** "Doctor" or "Teacher"  
**Shiki:** Short for 'Shikigami'  
**Shikigami:** "Ceremonial God". Summoned creatures with two forms (usually one is animal looking while the other is human looking) that live in GenSoKai  
**Shinigami:** "God of Death", "Death God". Nickname for the Shokan-ka workers  
**Shokan-Ka:** "Summoning Division". Division in Enma-Cho that deals with summoning the dead to appear at court. It enters in action only when the souls of the dead don't go spontaneously to Meifu

* * *

Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!  
Send me your comments!


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